Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
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PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”