Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
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My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!