cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
You Might Also Like
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.