My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
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Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
rich people when they have to pay taxes
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.