Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
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If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
This did not end as expected.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
The Punning Dead.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag