[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
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No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.