4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?