What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
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Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*