Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
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me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime