me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
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*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.