Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
me hitting on a model
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?