My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
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God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.