Aaaa…CHOO!
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HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Life is a suicide mission.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
All set.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.