I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
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me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.