2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person