Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
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If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Hey! This isn’t my car!
who wore it better?
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Don’t make me out nice you.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later