I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
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4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”