we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
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[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley