Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.