Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
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thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Have kids, they said
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?