I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
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My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.