Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
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[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it