Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
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Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*