“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
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Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978