My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
You Might Also Like
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
My birth announcement for our third baby
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.