Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*