*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
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[canadians at you, canadianly]
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked