My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
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So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
When I said I liked it rough.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing