If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
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I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
who did the taste test?
Saturday
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.