Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
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hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.