That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
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To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
the three branches of government
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.