[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
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Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth