me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
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My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL