Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
💁🏻♂️
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
The Onion called it…again.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL