Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
You Might Also Like
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.