From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
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Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
#parenting
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.