i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
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This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Can’t. Being lazy.
me, after any kind of buffet.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.