My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
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My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Y’all ready for this
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut