Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
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New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me