me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
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My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs