betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
You Might Also Like
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.