GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
The point of your 20s
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare