[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
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You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.