You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
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ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.