You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
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before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Pretty much. 🤣
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.