If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
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Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww