Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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Möther may I have a snäck
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Science memes
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.