A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
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I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.