Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
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Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.