Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
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RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Wise advice
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
what the
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther